Motherhood

As Mother's Day approaches I have been thinking about some of my favorite mother moments. Being a mother is such a joy! I think I decided to be a stay at home mom when I was 12. I loved watching mothers, taking notes on what I would want to do. I tried to learn skills that would bless me when I became a mother. And skills on the mother I wanted to be. Motherhood is a calling I cherish. But as I thought about all the wonderful moment I remembered some hard ones too. So below are some memories of the good and the hard times.

Favorite Mother Moments

• When I first became a mother. I remember baby Gandalf was so beautiful on my chest. And how long his bath felt because I didn't want to stop holding him. I spent hours staring at this perfect child. A new baby is so magical.
• Holding Gandalf for two weeks straight at least. New babies should be held.
• Having Grady come home from work and asking if I even put him down. I was like, "Yeah, when I went to the bathroom." And he just kissed my forehead and smiled.
• This one time when I was nursing Gandalf and he was looking at me so intently. I felt like I could read his thoughts. It was if he was saying, "Thank you mom for nursing me."
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• Watching the hilarious expressions on Draco's face. As a baby, as a toddler, and even now.
• Trying hard not to laugh the multiple times Draco yelled at strangers for looking at him or touching him. One time he pointed at all strangers in the doctors office saying "And I don't like you! And I don't like you..." (with perfect speech)
• Watching their face when they take that first step.
• When your sweet babies give you unprompted kisses.
• When Draco gives me the most sweetest compliments in the world.
• Seeing Yoda in his ultra sound and falling head over heels in love. Knowing that Draco was so perfect for our family and so would this sweet baby boy.
• Teaching Draco to read and seeing his excitement when he read his name for the first time. 
• All the snuggles from my sweet affectionate children.
• When Yoda and my other kids tell me they love me out of the blue.
• Holding my daughter in the delivery room. I waited 12 years for a daughter.

• Finally getting to hold my daughter after she was in the NICU for so long hooked up to so many machines.
• Singing primary songs to baby girl in the NICU while rocking her. And knowing when a nurse comes in I am not going to stop. I wanted her to hear my voice, feel the spirit, and I wasn't going to miss out on that moment.
• Bringing our baby girl home after three weeks in the NICU.
• Dropping of Gandalf at school and watching him walk to class. And seeing him see a solider and stopping to shake his hand and thank him. 
• Reading Gandalf Harry Potter when he was three and having him love Fred and George.
• Hearing Gandalf speak so passionately on how much he loves nature. And seeing his get so upset when people not respect nature.
• Draco telling me how he stood up for his friend at school.
• Mother's Day when the children sing to me. I always cry, usually from laughing.
• Watching my children play together.

• Watching Yoda take care of his baby sister and protect her.
• Seeing Baby Girl stand, feeling so proud of herself. 
• Finding out they misdiagnosed baby girl and that she doesn't have Osteopetrosis. I felt so much joy and gratitude for all the prayers offered on her behalf.

Hard Mothering Moments

• Leaving Gandalf's Preschool with him throwing a massive fit. We were both in tears as I carried him out to the car kicking and screaming.
• Seeing kids be mean to my sweet Gandalf because he is a little different and has aspergers
• Taking Draco to CHOC with my husband, not knowing if he was going to make it. And promising Heavenly Father I wouldn't be upset if it was his time to go.
• Trying to talk Draco into getting his blood drawn or other medical procedures when he was only three years old.
• Crying when I saw Pop tarts, not knowing what diabetes would be for my son and knowing it would be hard for him.
• Having three year old Draco cry after church because all the other kids got candy but him. He kept telling me it wasn't fair. I just agreed that it wasn't and tried to comfort him.
• A moment in Gandalf's IEP when I realized the way his brain worked, though wonderful, it wasn't going to get 'fixed'. He wasn't going to learn how to communicate or follow social norms and that's it. This is going to be an everyday struggle. This is how his brain works.
• Telling myself it's okay to put baby Draco back in his bed after nursing him and reread Harry Potter for the 3rd or 4th time because that's what I would rather be doing. Knowing I loved my son but needed to read. Babies should be held, but they are okay in their cribs.
• Hearing from other boys about a kid who keeps being mean to Gandalf weeks earlier. And knowing that Gandalf isn't going to be talking to me about these issues on his own. 
• When toddler Draco would have a meltdown and scream at me unkind things. Not being able to calm him down, but going to still hold him accountable for things he had to do which pissed him off pretty bad.  I'm pretty sure they were high blood sugars.

• When Baby girl needed a "procedure" about 10 hours after she was born and wondering if she was going to make it.
• Having Baby Girls in the NICU. Wanting to be with her as much as possible, but feeling terrible that the boys were worried about her and missing their mom. Plus Draco was starting kinder garden and our lives were so chaotic. I had to make sure I was eating/sleeping enough so I could make milk. I was in pure survival mode. And I felt like I wasn't able to balance my children's needs.
• Realizing on some days it would be 11:00 or even 1:00 and I hadn't held my baby girl that day yet.
• Hearing the sweet doctor tell me about Osteopetrosis. And that she would need a bone marrow transplant or she wouldn't make it passed two.
• Having to tell my husband the diagnosis, with still so many unanswered questions.
• Finding out a bone marrow meant chemo for my sweet baby girl. And months on not being able to be around her brothers.
• Having Gandalf tell Grady he thinks he doesn't have any friends because of his aspergers . 

Most of my hard moments were when my children were in pain or having a hard time. But we can't always take away those pains. It is part of our path that makes us who we are. And even though those were some really hard moments I grew and became who I am today. I grew closer to my husband and closer to The Lord. I have some pretty strong, brave children who have done some hard things. But we are not left on this earth to suffer and be left alone. We have a Savior who has felt every feeling that each of my children't have felt. Every feeling I have felt. Being scared, overwhelmed, helpless, heart broken, angry, and sorrowful. And He has willingly felt these things so that He can succor me, and you, and my children. And if we turn to Him we can also have peace, joy, love, and happiness. 

And even more we have the promise of living again. And if we can endure well we can have Eternal Life. This is the good news!!! Christ has overcome all hard things. He has prepared a way. And our families can be eternal. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to me a mother.I have a chance to catch a glimpse of what my Heavenly Mother feels for me. I am thankful for a Savior who knows every sorrow we have ever felt. Losing a child. Or maybe not having one yet. Or maybe seeing a child make choices that might get them hurt. Our Savior can heal all things. I am thankful to be a mother. I am thankful for the sweet moments and I am thankful my Savior is there for the hard ones.

Wishing everyone a Happy Mothers Day!!!

All Images are from Shari Hanson